asmythoughtschange

Daily situations resulted in this blog.

November 12th

Who knew life could be this way
Thinking back, November 12th, that day
Excitement, anticipation, not sure what to expect…
Listening to his heart, impressed by his intellect
The look in his eyes when he spoke to me,
the feel of his hand, he held mine so softly.
The tone of his voice….
it was so easy to tune out the noise.
That day, I didn’t know I would love him
-didn’t realize he’d be the best of them.
I let him take the lead.
That’s how we started, him approaching me.
I love looking at this man.
For his happiness, I’ll do all I can.
The look of a savage, with a heart that’s mine,
he’s so amazing – all the time.
When he’s mad and not in the mood,
I just wanna caress his tattoos.
Watching him move,
so  perfect and smooth.
He makes me smile like a teenage girl
with a crush bigger than this world.
I can speak how I feel daily,
He’ll never know my heart really.
No questions, no doubts, no worries
no reason to ever feel leery.
He caught me at the right time
for the love from him, to the top I’ll climb.
As we love each other and grow
no telling where this thing could go.
Wanting to learn all I can
I wanna know this man better than the back of my hand.


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12/12/2016 Posted by | poem, poetry, Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Useless

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After everything, still alone. How much heartbreak is one person supposed to go through? So tired of crying for happiness. With each try comes a child, relationship failure, and left alone to figure it out. How is it I’m supposed to have faith and trust, but with each time, despite the trust, despite the faith there is an asshole there to bring pain to my heart?

How is it so easy to make children and walk out of their lives only to give indecisive answers to any question or want that they may have? How can a person continue to make children and leave each of them? Its a repetitive loser cycle. I could never just leave my children and live my life content. The kids need both of their parents. Sure it’s easy to find someone else to replace the absent parent, but its not completely fair to the children.

Excuses….don’t we all have them? The great thing about that is, when it’s something we really want, theres no excuse, we do it, get it, or whatever.

I have given up on love. I no longer want to love again. I don’t want another selfish, son of a bitch to think he can treat me however and expect me to be a good woman. F**k being a good woman. Being a good woman gets you cheated on, lied to, forgot about, used, taken advantage of, belittled, laughed at, put down, and left to raise kids alone.

I often wonder what is wrong with me, am I not skinny enough, and I not fat enough, is it because im not a black woman or a Spanish one, is it the excitement of being with a white girl, is it the disappointment, is it embarrassment, Is my hair long enough, is it too short, is it because I cant give everything, or is it because I give everything I have, is it because I want more, do I not want enough??

I just want to give up on everyone and everything. The depression is taking over. The tears slide over my cheeks to my pillow. Who would notice, who would know, who would care??

04/27/2014 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Forgotten

I’ve forgotten….

I’ve forgotten how it feels to be loved.

04/15/2013 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A woman, now Fed Up…..

Over the years I’ve given EVERYTHING I have to people, even worse the ones who don’t deserve any part of me. I have decided to now give what’s given, to put out what’s put in, and to let go when I’m losing grip. My heart once was trusting, loving, caring, and happy. Thanks to a few low life jerks in my life, now I have to go through a healing phase. Dreams I have, don’t matter as long as other people fulfill theirs….. well not anymore! It’s time I make my stand. It’s time I do for me. So sick of the let downs, the dead conversations, the relationship that doesn’t have what relationships have!!! Ready to make moves and don’t care who’s hurt along the way!!! May be selfish, I’ve never worn that shoe before, think in gonna try it on and see how it fits!!

01/03/2013 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Life

I
Just
Want
To
Scream,
Kick,
&
Cry!!

10/11/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

:(

When
A
Woman’s
Fed
Up
…..
there ain’t nothing
     you can do about it!!!

09/11/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Be careful what you say.

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09/01/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

True statement.

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09/01/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Been a while…

Good evening. I have so many thoughts in my mind, so many feelings flowing through my heart. I don’t know how to put this to words. Feeling…not blank, but blank. Emotions too embarrassing for posting.

A life, once wanted…
A love, once felt…
A void, never thought of…
Emptiness, indescribable…

I don’t know what the feeling is… A little too tired to try and figure it out.

Instead of dwelling on the emotional roller coaster, I’ve decided to follow my heart, make myself happy, and fulfill the dreams and wants I have. If love is involved, great! If love fails, well then it just wasn’t meant to be.

I can’t focus on any poetry. My mindset isn’t there. This was just a hello to all my followers, I’m still alive :), my poetry isn’t for the time being.

Thank you for reading. YOLO!!!

06/30/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

…Random…

When was the last time you were told you were beautiful? Doesn’t it make a difference when the one you love says it? Sometimes its nice to hear.

06/19/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Appearance

Just a thought…

Do you ever look at some people and wonder what goes on in their life? An appearance can be deceiving, misunderstood, confusing, or just plain truth about someone. I seen someone and thought, “damn they got it together”, I was wrong. People have much game, in other words….lies, their appearance along with their words can be mistaken for what and who they really are. Bad thing is, you try to believe people and not always think the worst, but what’s shown…the worst. Then we’re left stereotyping, or not trusting, which can lead to problems.

I’ve been a bad judge of character, but, I can sometimes look right through the bullshit. Eyes are an obstacle, I can’t always get through. They say you can see someone is lying through their eyes, but a compulsive liar will look you in your eyes and make you believe their lies as much as they do.

Women carry themselves a certain way, and they’re looked at for their appearance. Once you talk to some-eye opener, not what you thought. Some dress conservative, and you think, “ok, damn I wonder what kind of car she drives”?, and you look, its a wrecked Ford Taurus, where you’re thinking it would have been a Lexus. Or maybe its the other way around, she’s looking trashy, and she’s rolling in an Escalade on 28’s. And then there’s the men…oh I love this, he passes you by at the store smelling so good, looking nice, appears to have it together and you think, (damn, maybe he’s the one, good job, dresses nice, fine, and he has no ring on his finger), but, yes but he’s got a woman he’s shacking with, and has kids, his job isn’t the greatest, and will still give you some play because he lured you in by his appearance and in the end, that’s all he’s really got. And then there’s the guy we think has nothing, jeans, white T-Shirt crisp on the sleeves, like he just ironed it, long thick gold chain, with a few golds in his mouth, in the back of your mind, street pharmacist…not the type of guy you’d want around for fear of having to bond him out at some point. When in fact his appearance says that, however, he writes poetry, use sweet and he has his own business and started from nothing and building it from the ground up, and his appearance let’s you know he hasn’t forgotten where he came from, but he had dreams and followed through with them. Has no woman in his life, because he’s focused on his dream.

My job requires me to deal with people everyday and sometimes, well most of  the time, I try not to stereotype them, however it is so hard due to their appearance. In everyday life people have their own style, and some wish they were what they appeared to be or not how they appeared to be.

In love, appearance says a lot too. You can be with someone and appear to be so happily in love, but   you’re miserable and want out, but can’t, don’t know how, don’t want to hurt anyone so instead you hurt and stay in this, what appears to be happy relationship.

In my life I’ve shown sides that I’m not. I’ve appeared to be happy and stress free when I was lost and confused, hurt, felt unloved, but still held onto a facade of happiness.

Anyway, just felt the need to write about something and appearance was brought to my attention this morning.

Have a good day, and thanks for reading =)

05/17/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Sometimes I wonder…

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Do you know what it takes to keep me
the fights, the cries, thru hidden realities
sometimes I wonder…
Do you think about me, how I do you
adapted thoughts, and no clue
sometimes I wonder…
Is there more of you I don’t know
you’re quiet, silent, your thoughts don’t show
sometimes I wonder…
Is this love strong enough to last
will we explain us as a past
sometimes I wonder…
Does your heart belong to me
if so, its hard to see
sometimes I wonder…
Am I woman enough for you
will you ever look for something new
sometimes I wonder…
If I should be doing more
life with you is all I want to explore
sometimes I wonder…
What would you do if you lost me
would our love carry you through tragedy
sometimes I wonder…
Why do I feel so alone
I was promised love would be shown
sometimes I wonder…
Are you the man God had for me
are we to walk together in Christianity
sometimes I wonder…

05/08/2012 Posted by | Poetry, Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Trading Places

Have you ever wondered how it would feel to trade places with the opposite sex?

I love being a woman. The feelings we experience are not explainable. Our emotions are confusing at times. How we express ourselves can be both direct and indirect. Some men don’t know how to understand us. All of the emotions and stresses we encounter in a day are sometimes a bit overwhelming. We get jealous over little things, but…those are the biggest things. For example, sitting next to your man in the movies, a pretty woman appears in a tight dress with figure looking nice, and hearing ummm when she turns sideways. To some its disrespectful. Some women don’t care, but if a man knows his woman well enough, then he knows.

If I could trade off for a day and be a man, my man I would and I would love it. Maybe I say this because this is what I want. But I mean to act it out….to be a beast and a gentleman, to do things for my woman and show how much I appreciate her. Women like to feel appreciated. Making a woman feel like she’s the best, irreplaceable, loved, adored, and thankful to have her, the reward in that, being treated like a King. What man wouldn’t want to come home and feel like he is King? Make love to her like nobody could take her place. Taste and touch every inch of her body. I would make sure  she knows how much I’m in love with her.  If I were a man, I would. Times we live in now, some relationships are so broken and secretive which in some cases results in separation or infidelity.

I just wish I could trade places with a man just to see how it feels to be treated by someone who loves you. Or maybe even be a man to let his woman know, he really doesn’t care. When someone IMPORTANT says “I really don’t care”, it sticks. That’s male or female.

I wish for one day I could trade places…. Lucky for men, I can’t.

04/20/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My Title

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…blank…
as my thoughts change

mind thinking
thoughts changing
pencil sharpened
ink spilling
happy heart
heartbroken
full of love
empty
confident
clueless
a new leaf
history repeats
motivated
driveless
…blank…
again

as my thoughts change

04/06/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Just a thought

When I goto sleep

I want your voice to be the one I sleep to

If I dream tonight

I pray you’re in it

Next to you is where I want to wake up

If I died today

You are one of the last people I’d want near

If I had the choice…

I’d never be without you.

02/13/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Like Her

~I’m not her~

I don’t talk like her

I don’t look like her

I don’t sound like her

I don’t walk like her

I don’t look at you like her

I don’t treat you like her

I don’t smell like her

I don’t cook like her

I don’t love like her

I don’t smile like her

My skin isn’t like hers

I don’t want to be like her

You’ll realize I’m nothing like her

When you realize there’s nobody like me

02/09/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

She ain’t worth it…

This is a little personal. I needed to get some thoughts out. Don’t want to talk, but need to express some feelings…

Outsiders looking in usually are judgemental, will give their opinions in a split second. The problem comes in that split second when the truth hurts. That split second can make you cry a river. The reality that’s brought upon you from a different set of eyes.

People say they love you and are there for you and if you need anything to call them. It’s bs most of the time.  People share that line and it sounds so comforting. When you actually need them…no where in sight. I think that goes with love as well. ” I love you” is the biggest set of  words that can mean nothing at all.

Love? I used to know what it meant to be in love and be loved back. Doesn’t feel right now days. The sweet words, say one thing. It’s the actions that show love. At one point I wanted to hear it… I guess I’ve grown up some, because now its just words. Showing someone you love them doesn’t involve much. People don’t realize when you show love, the little things you do can be done in return to express your love. May sound like a copycat, but its so simple.

Children- it takes two to make a child. All it takes is one to carry a child. Wouldn’t it be easier for the pregnant mother to have support if the two were physically involved during the pregnancy? A lot less stress for one. And two, maybe the mother could actually relax, or her feelings could be cared about. So many empty tears wouldn’t be shed.

Happiness- is there a such thing as real true happiness? If so where is it? You ever wonder what it is you did so wrong in life to be dealt the hand you were given? Simple things are happiness. For me anyway. You don’t ask for much, but get nothing anyway by the one who “loves” you. Maybe I want happiness too much. Hell, who doesn’t? The problem is finding it. Not that person, but the happiness itself.

She ain’t worth it – at one time I thought I didn’t deserve love, happiness or a companion to share life with. Every time I turned, there was a new obstacle for me to fight through. Then I thought maybe I’m not worthy of these simple things that I long for so badly. I’ve cried myself to sleep at night wondering, why me?  Tears so big and heavy, you could hear them hit the pillow. I am worthy of all the things I desire. The problem now is trusting someone worthy enough to give myself to. Life is full of disappointments. After doubting what I deserve and what or who I’m good enough for – I know who I am, and how to love. Now to see who’s good enough for me and who deserves me.

Had to release some tears and some frustrations.

02/01/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

If he were mine…

I talk to him as often as possible, though its not right. The sound of his voice makes me want him like crazy. I imagine the shape and movement of his lips as my name rolls off his tongue. What would it be like to have this man whispering in my ear? The things he says through the phone, would it sound the same if he were with me? Am I crazy for wanting someone I’ve never met? Something about his tone, his accent, his words, and his voicemails to me….

Meeting someone for the first time not knowing what to expect, other than what you’ve been told. Everything isn’t always as it seems. Thinking you have a complete package in one. Just knowing this is it!   ….and then….WOW!!! there he is, kinda tall, dark skinned, slim, bowlegged, smooth skin, eyes are just as I imagined, his mouth is perfect, his lips put me in lust,  waves on point, he gets closer…then in that first hug, I reach around I can feel this amazingly deep dip in his back, my head on his chest, and through this first hug, I feel his heartbeat. At that moment it felt too good to be true…

Going to my place, I giggle like a little girl who has her first crush. Wanting to say so many things, sweaty palms, heart racing, nervous, wondering, “What does he think of me? What’s on his mind? How far will this go? Is this what I want? Am I what he wants? Are we getting in over our head?” So many things in thought. Trying to hide my nervousness, though its so obvious… I have no idea what to talk about. On the phone there’s so much to say, but once face to face…a giggly mute girl. Thinking to myself, damn this man is sexy. His voice was just as wonderful in person as over the phone. I must admit though, it was more intriguing on the phone not knowing how it would be side by side.

Welcoming balloons covered my ceiling as we entered. It was almost as if he’d left for a little bit and returned home. Was this reality, was this really happening? “How did phone conversations and emails come to this? Could he be the man of my dreams? Is there something he’s hiding? Is this fate? Are we meant to be?” As I go back to questioning myself again. Snapping out of it…enjoying him here after all the conversations, he’s really in my domain…thinking some crazy thoughts now…kinda like my prisoner, no where to run, no where to hide. HE IS MINE! I want to take advantage of him and do as I please to him with no harm intended, listening to his words that flow, they flow through my body, sending chills to my brain driving every part of me insane, doing things unimaginable to anyone but me…

I still wonder if it was a fairytale. If it were meant to be. If we will be as one or was this a phase needed to build offspring. So much life involved. Love, hurt, tears (both happy and sad ones), happiness, sadness, hopes, dreams, and then the realities. In love with a man that first became a friend. Will my fairytale continue…making my friend, my love, my husband???

01/22/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Random thought

Once you lose someone, because of no one, you’ll regret all you’ve done.

01/20/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Where do they do this….

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This is the type of picture that gets all the attention and it isn’t good.

I mean damn, no class, heels aren’t worn right, hell they aren’t even high enough to be sexy. The crotchless body(hoes)….tacky. Looking at this…these be the same chicks on Facebook dogging a men out, saying how they ain’t no good or better yet, get mad after the date/booty call and he doesn’t call PERIOD! Very tasteless and so trashy.

There is nothing wrong with feeling sexy or being a little confident…but c’Mon at some point you have to realize less is more and in this case…..less clothes, is more tacky!

Ladies carry yourself sexy and be sexy, but just know, not just anything is sexy. Confidence is key, but the key can be turned the wrong way.

Had to share this.

01/17/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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