asmythoughtschange

Daily situations resulted in this blog.

Useless

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After everything, still alone. How much heartbreak is one person supposed to go through? So tired of crying for happiness. With each try comes a child, relationship failure, and left alone to figure it out. How is it I’m supposed to have faith and trust, but with each time, despite the trust, despite the faith there is an asshole there to bring pain to my heart?

How is it so easy to make children and walk out of their lives only to give indecisive answers to any question or want that they may have? How can a person continue to make children and leave each of them? Its a repetitive loser cycle. I could never just leave my children and live my life content. The kids need both of their parents. Sure it’s easy to find someone else to replace the absent parent, but its not completely fair to the children.

Excuses….don’t we all have them? The great thing about that is, when it’s something we really want, theres no excuse, we do it, get it, or whatever.

I have given up on love. I no longer want to love again. I don’t want another selfish, son of a bitch to think he can treat me however and expect me to be a good woman. F**k being a good woman. Being a good woman gets you cheated on, lied to, forgot about, used, taken advantage of, belittled, laughed at, put down, and left to raise kids alone.

I often wonder what is wrong with me, am I not skinny enough, and I not fat enough, is it because im not a black woman or a Spanish one, is it the excitement of being with a white girl, is it the disappointment, is it embarrassment, Is my hair long enough, is it too short, is it because I cant give everything, or is it because I give everything I have, is it because I want more, do I not want enough??

I just want to give up on everyone and everything. The depression is taking over. The tears slide over my cheeks to my pillow. Who would notice, who would know, who would care??

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04/27/2014 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Never Again

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The look in my eyes

to the curve of my thighs

You can look, search, and try

But another me…you’ll never find.

A heart full of love

With every word-away you shoved

Your love, all I thought of

Today, I’ve had enough

I smile big now

Confident – I remember how

Don’t confuse it with a scout

Taking it slow, not lookin for vows

Always tried my best

Stood out from the rest

Listened through your chest

Like a coward, you left the nest

Waited like a fool

Let you twist and turn me like a tool

Tried to sit and keep cool

I’ve drowned in a tear pool

Love can goto hell

My heart clammed up in a shell

This lil fairytale,

I lived to tell…..

One mans trash is anothers treasure

The next will be beyond measure.

06/08/2013 Posted by | Haiku, poem, poetry | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

You can talk to me….

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So much on my mind
Wondering what’s going wrong
…you can talk to me…

Emptiness inside
Want so bad to express me
…you can talk to me…

A friend is needed
Someone to listen to me
…you can talk to me…

You, my love, my friend
You cannot handle my thoughts
…you can talk to me…

Love once shared, distant
Now, even further apart
…you can talk to me…

I expect a lot
Nothing more than I did then
…you can talk to me…

Wanting to reach out
Reaching for someone to love
…you can talk to me…

I don’t want to hurt
I don’t want an empty love
…you can talk to me…

He says, “what’s wrong Chris”?
“What did I do or not do”?
…you can talk to me…

Explanations flow
Pouring out thoughts, and my heart
…you can talk to me…

No more, I love yous
Since now I’ve expressed myself
I can’t talk to you…

09/28/2012 Posted by | Haiku, Poetry | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A letter to Love

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Love, on you, I’ve given up
          I tried to know you
          Tried to feel you
          I failed.
Love, I wish I never met you
          The way you make people feel
          its not fair
          although you are worth experiencing
Love, what have I done to you
          why do you treat me like you do
          are you worth my tears
          many tears I’ve cried for you
Love, I understand why people shy away
          why people run and hide
           the way you make people feel,
may not be worth the ride
Love, I’ve loved how I wanted to be loved
          but something about you
          I don’t do enough of
          so with you, I’m giving up…

          

05/11/2012 Posted by | Poetry | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Anger/Bitter/Payback/Mad

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I can be
    Tested
       Tried
          Pushed
             Ignored
                But for so long,
                   Paybacks a bitch
                      BELEIVE ME
                    I CAN SHOW IT
       BETTER THAN I CAN TELL IT….

11/02/2011 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , | 1 Comment

   

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