asmythoughtschange

Daily situations resulted in this blog.

11/28/15

an illusion of you…

11/28/2015 Posted by | Haiku, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Useless

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After everything, still alone. How much heartbreak is one person supposed to go through? So tired of crying for happiness. With each try comes a child, relationship failure, and left alone to figure it out. How is it I’m supposed to have faith and trust, but with each time, despite the trust, despite the faith there is an asshole there to bring pain to my heart?

How is it so easy to make children and walk out of their lives only to give indecisive answers to any question or want that they may have? How can a person continue to make children and leave each of them? Its a repetitive loser cycle. I could never just leave my children and live my life content. The kids need both of their parents. Sure it’s easy to find someone else to replace the absent parent, but its not completely fair to the children.

Excuses….don’t we all have them? The great thing about that is, when it’s something we really want, theres no excuse, we do it, get it, or whatever.

I have given up on love. I no longer want to love again. I don’t want another selfish, son of a bitch to think he can treat me however and expect me to be a good woman. F**k being a good woman. Being a good woman gets you cheated on, lied to, forgot about, used, taken advantage of, belittled, laughed at, put down, and left to raise kids alone.

I often wonder what is wrong with me, am I not skinny enough, and I not fat enough, is it because im not a black woman or a Spanish one, is it the excitement of being with a white girl, is it the disappointment, is it embarrassment, Is my hair long enough, is it too short, is it because I cant give everything, or is it because I give everything I have, is it because I want more, do I not want enough??

I just want to give up on everyone and everything. The depression is taking over. The tears slide over my cheeks to my pillow. Who would notice, who would know, who would care??

04/27/2014 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Taking on new thoughts

Heard all the excuses

some I’m sure were lies

unfortunately, now it deuces

a child to hold ties.

Our fairytale came to an end

long ago it was dead

space helped to mend

as I sleep alone in my bed.

New thoughts I think

new plans I make

the sadness had to sink

no more emptiness I’ll take.

Life is too short to waste

trying to be something I’m not

reality is a bitter taste

one day I’ll get the knot =)

12/08/2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A little Haiku

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Loved you with my heart
Just to give you everything
Til death do us part

07/08/2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stupid

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I rant
I rave,

I give
I forgave,

Listened, heard
A speechless word

Loved..thick and thin
Your heart,  I’d win,

Settled, took what came
In the end, this game…..

Feeling stupid
FUCK CUPID.

06/11/2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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Depressed, hurt, betrayed
Standing tall, despite the height
Yes, I’m still standing.

06/11/2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

True statement.

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09/01/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Shattered

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Like broke glass, shattered
with what was once filled with…love
photographs, no more

Torn between the two
should you stay or should you go
Is your heart now lost?

Don’t know how or when
trying to gather pieces
only time can tell.

I will love again
Love for you has never left
my actions will speak.

Chosen words were wrong
memories of history
accusations hurt

Losing a feeling
conversation of the past
I don’t want to be!

The house, the plans, us
raising our family…
can it be repaired?

Do we continue
Holding on to shattered love?
Is hope really lost?

05/30/2012 Posted by | Haiku | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Trading Places

Have you ever wondered how it would feel to trade places with the opposite sex?

I love being a woman. The feelings we experience are not explainable. Our emotions are confusing at times. How we express ourselves can be both direct and indirect. Some men don’t know how to understand us. All of the emotions and stresses we encounter in a day are sometimes a bit overwhelming. We get jealous over little things, but…those are the biggest things. For example, sitting next to your man in the movies, a pretty woman appears in a tight dress with figure looking nice, and hearing ummm when she turns sideways. To some its disrespectful. Some women don’t care, but if a man knows his woman well enough, then he knows.

If I could trade off for a day and be a man, my man I would and I would love it. Maybe I say this because this is what I want. But I mean to act it out….to be a beast and a gentleman, to do things for my woman and show how much I appreciate her. Women like to feel appreciated. Making a woman feel like she’s the best, irreplaceable, loved, adored, and thankful to have her, the reward in that, being treated like a King. What man wouldn’t want to come home and feel like he is King? Make love to her like nobody could take her place. Taste and touch every inch of her body. I would make sure  she knows how much I’m in love with her.  If I were a man, I would. Times we live in now, some relationships are so broken and secretive which in some cases results in separation or infidelity.

I just wish I could trade places with a man just to see how it feels to be treated by someone who loves you. Or maybe even be a man to let his woman know, he really doesn’t care. When someone IMPORTANT says “I really don’t care”, it sticks. That’s male or female.

I wish for one day I could trade places…. Lucky for men, I can’t.

04/20/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

#20

History repeats
time invested, a love….lost
living in the past!

04/18/2012 Posted by | Haiku | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

#19

A lot could be said
feelings are hurt, eyes water
Nobodys perfect

04/17/2012 Posted by | Haiku | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Addiction Recovery

I was inspired to write this after reading someone’s addiction. I once was an addict. I’m recovered now, due to circumstances…

~~addiction~~previously written~~
http://wp.me/p1wCCk-9G
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An addiction so strong
made me do everything wrong
choices go left instead of right
that little bit of ecstacy
opened my eyes and made me see
I’ve let go of some of the pain
forgot about the lil lady cane
still have crying eyes
depressed only because of lies
making me do things I’d never do
this payback – long overdue
cried and complained
pillows tear-stained
the jonesing is no more
A new leaf, a closed door
For another hit of you
I think I can think of something else to do
Tossing and turning in bed
No need to with a cleared head
A pushers past you can see
There’s more addicts than just me
leaving my cravings behind
this junkie is no longer blind

02/04/2012 Posted by | Poetry, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Haiku #9

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         Your voice once I craved
     now the silence comforts me
              no worries, nothing.

02/02/2012 Posted by | Haiku | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

She ain’t worth it…

This is a little personal. I needed to get some thoughts out. Don’t want to talk, but need to express some feelings…

Outsiders looking in usually are judgemental, will give their opinions in a split second. The problem comes in that split second when the truth hurts. That split second can make you cry a river. The reality that’s brought upon you from a different set of eyes.

People say they love you and are there for you and if you need anything to call them. It’s bs most of the time.  People share that line and it sounds so comforting. When you actually need them…no where in sight. I think that goes with love as well. ” I love you” is the biggest set of  words that can mean nothing at all.

Love? I used to know what it meant to be in love and be loved back. Doesn’t feel right now days. The sweet words, say one thing. It’s the actions that show love. At one point I wanted to hear it… I guess I’ve grown up some, because now its just words. Showing someone you love them doesn’t involve much. People don’t realize when you show love, the little things you do can be done in return to express your love. May sound like a copycat, but its so simple.

Children- it takes two to make a child. All it takes is one to carry a child. Wouldn’t it be easier for the pregnant mother to have support if the two were physically involved during the pregnancy? A lot less stress for one. And two, maybe the mother could actually relax, or her feelings could be cared about. So many empty tears wouldn’t be shed.

Happiness- is there a such thing as real true happiness? If so where is it? You ever wonder what it is you did so wrong in life to be dealt the hand you were given? Simple things are happiness. For me anyway. You don’t ask for much, but get nothing anyway by the one who “loves” you. Maybe I want happiness too much. Hell, who doesn’t? The problem is finding it. Not that person, but the happiness itself.

She ain’t worth it – at one time I thought I didn’t deserve love, happiness or a companion to share life with. Every time I turned, there was a new obstacle for me to fight through. Then I thought maybe I’m not worthy of these simple things that I long for so badly. I’ve cried myself to sleep at night wondering, why me?  Tears so big and heavy, you could hear them hit the pillow. I am worthy of all the things I desire. The problem now is trusting someone worthy enough to give myself to. Life is full of disappointments. After doubting what I deserve and what or who I’m good enough for – I know who I am, and how to love. Now to see who’s good enough for me and who deserves me.

Had to release some tears and some frustrations.

02/01/2012 Posted by | Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Broken Hearts

Strong hearts are built to last
broken, then mended to forget the past
preparation for the next
remembering mistakes from an ex
never to regret what’s been done
keep your head up for a new one.

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01/27/2012 Posted by | Poetry | , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Goldmine

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More shiny than any piece of gold may shine
The beats beneath my skin, precious & devine
Giving, genuwine, and kind
More love than your heart could find
Knowing who I am and what I define
Love grows as if covered in formaldehyde
Love has always been a weak sign
Said it before…its a thin line
Write poetry about one thing lingering my mind
Got inside, thought you the owner of this mine
Sometimes we let go of our pride
Waiting on two to become one….combined
One should feel lucky to have this treasure in my goldmine.

01/12/2012 Posted by | Poetry, Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Haiku #2

Distance and miles
Unanswered calls, lonely nights
Lies, truths, stretched stories

01/08/2012 Posted by | Haiku | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Happy New Year Haiku #1

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A new year, new day
Continuing to believe
I will be just fine.

01/08/2012 Posted by | Haiku | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

If I were him

Picking and choosing
No thought of losing
Spend my time here and there
No one knows where
Send off I’m sorry’s
On to the next, no worries
Tell her a lie
Call later and apologize
Never thinking of that one
I once told her she’d won
I play love like a game
This one doesn’t treat me the same
But I’m the fool
When things break, she is my tool
On her I can depend
Her love for me won’t end
I’m that confident she’s true
All I have to do is mention Jetblue
She may get mad
With my voice she’s no longer sad
Her love is unconditional
Though I’m not emotional
She holds on to her dream
Meanwhile, I’m doing my thing
Asked her, if I cheated would she still want me
To my surprise, she said yes…silly
As long as she allows
Why would I commit, say vows
It’s nice to be me
I can flirt with whomever I see
So much distance between us
Her love is what we discuss
Love can make one so dumb
A Broken heart should be numb.

01/02/2012 Posted by | Poetry, Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Thin line between love and hate

It was the last straw
It had to be drawn
You now have my collection
Left me moving in one direction
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year
Celebrated all without you here
Last seed bloomed, probably alone
My fault cause of all I’ve condoned
No one to blame but me
Love had me blind and couldn’t see
We all want security
But want it with dignity
You can’t want what YOU can’t give
Stability, love, or just a place to live
Lessons learned from my past
Search was the same, a love to last .
Wish a dream, dream a wish
Make it happen and be selfish
Stop giving when nothing is given
The line between love/hate is thin.

01/02/2012 Posted by | Poetry, Sharing My Thoughts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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