11/28/15
an illusion of you…
Useless
After everything, still alone. How much heartbreak is one person supposed to go through? So tired of crying for happiness. With each try comes a child, relationship failure, and left alone to figure it out. How is it I’m supposed to have faith and trust, but with each time, despite the trust, despite the faith there is an asshole there to bring pain to my heart?
How is it so easy to make children and walk out of their lives only to give indecisive answers to any question or want that they may have? How can a person continue to make children and leave each of them? Its a repetitive loser cycle. I could never just leave my children and live my life content. The kids need both of their parents. Sure it’s easy to find someone else to replace the absent parent, but its not completely fair to the children.
Excuses….don’t we all have them? The great thing about that is, when it’s something we really want, theres no excuse, we do it, get it, or whatever.
I have given up on love. I no longer want to love again. I don’t want another selfish, son of a bitch to think he can treat me however and expect me to be a good woman. F**k being a good woman. Being a good woman gets you cheated on, lied to, forgot about, used, taken advantage of, belittled, laughed at, put down, and left to raise kids alone.
I often wonder what is wrong with me, am I not skinny enough, and I not fat enough, is it because im not a black woman or a Spanish one, is it the excitement of being with a white girl, is it the disappointment, is it embarrassment, Is my hair long enough, is it too short, is it because I cant give everything, or is it because I give everything I have, is it because I want more, do I not want enough??
I just want to give up on everyone and everything. The depression is taking over. The tears slide over my cheeks to my pillow. Who would notice, who would know, who would care??
Stupid
I rant
I rave,
I give
I forgave,
Listened, heard
A speechless word
Loved..thick and thin
Your heart, I’d win,
Settled, took what came
In the end, this game…..
Feeling stupid
FUCK CUPID.
Never Again
The look in my eyes
to the curve of my thighs
You can look, search, and try
But another me…you’ll never find.
A heart full of love
With every word-away you shoved
Your love, all I thought of
Today, I’ve had enough
I smile big now
Confident – I remember how
Don’t confuse it with a scout
Taking it slow, not lookin for vows
Always tried my best
Stood out from the rest
Listened through your chest
Like a coward, you left the nest
Waited like a fool
Let you twist and turn me like a tool
Tried to sit and keep cool
I’ve drowned in a tear pool
Love can goto hell
My heart clammed up in a shell
This lil fairytale,
I lived to tell…..
One mans trash is anothers treasure
The next will be beyond measure.
Life
I
Just
Want
To
Scream,
Kick,
&
Cry!!
Deceiving
St Augustine, beautifully healthy
bright, crisp and green
no dull patches
every strand matches
seeds planted to bloom
plenty of space, growing room
daily kept, well maintained
everyday beauty, remained
beneath, a hole was forming
signs, but not much warning
time and energy spent
ruined, down it went
beautiful as it seemed
the grass wasn’t really green.
Someone
The one who loves me,
Every thought is us, we.
Sweet kisses good night,
Gentle hugs when we rise.
Loving phone calls through the day
Never to say much, just hey.
Attention is needed
Not to doubt a love, we succeeded.
The scent you left behind
Memories to rewind.
A love so magnificent
Handle my heart with diligence.
As the day unfolds, I miss you
Moments with you are far and few…
You can talk to me….
So much on my mind
Wondering what’s going wrong
…you can talk to me…
Emptiness inside
Want so bad to express me
…you can talk to me…
A friend is needed
Someone to listen to me
…you can talk to me…
You, my love, my friend
You cannot handle my thoughts
…you can talk to me…
Love once shared, distant
Now, even further apart
…you can talk to me…
I expect a lot
Nothing more than I did then
…you can talk to me…
Wanting to reach out
Reaching for someone to love
…you can talk to me…
I don’t want to hurt
I don’t want an empty love
…you can talk to me…
He says, “what’s wrong Chris”?
“What did I do or not do”?
…you can talk to me…
Explanations flow
Pouring out thoughts, and my heart
…you can talk to me…
No more, I love yous
Since now I’ve expressed myself
…I can’t talk to you…
Been a while…
Good evening. I have so many thoughts in my mind, so many feelings flowing through my heart. I don’t know how to put this to words. Feeling…not blank, but blank. Emotions too embarrassing for posting.
A life, once wanted…
A love, once felt…
A void, never thought of…
Emptiness, indescribable…
I don’t know what the feeling is… A little too tired to try and figure it out.
Instead of dwelling on the emotional roller coaster, I’ve decided to follow my heart, make myself happy, and fulfill the dreams and wants I have. If love is involved, great! If love fails, well then it just wasn’t meant to be.
I can’t focus on any poetry. My mindset isn’t there. This was just a hello to all my followers, I’m still alive :), my poetry isn’t for the time being.
Thank you for reading. YOLO!!!
…Random…
When was the last time you were told you were beautiful? Doesn’t it make a difference when the one you love says it? Sometimes its nice to hear.
Making some repairs…
Holes in the wall
…your words…
I’ve heard them all
Photographs of happiness
…cracked…
not what we’d wished
Home, once full of love
…silence…
Love wasn’t strong enough
Missing what we had
…us…
Now turning bad
Wondering what to do
…separated…
Almost through
Holding onto what
…a love?…
I want to trust you, but…
One thread at a time
…happiness again…
We will find.
Shattered
Like broke glass, shattered
with what was once filled with…love
photographs, no more
Torn between the two
should you stay or should you go
Is your heart now lost?
Don’t know how or when
trying to gather pieces
only time can tell.
I will love again
Love for you has never left
my actions will speak.
Chosen words were wrong
memories of history
accusations hurt
Losing a feeling
conversation of the past
I don’t want to be!
The house, the plans, us
raising our family…
can it be repaired?
Do we continue
Holding on to shattered love?
Is hope really lost?
Appearance
Just a thought…
Do you ever look at some people and wonder what goes on in their life? An appearance can be deceiving, misunderstood, confusing, or just plain truth about someone. I seen someone and thought, “damn they got it together”, I was wrong. People have much game, in other words….lies, their appearance along with their words can be mistaken for what and who they really are. Bad thing is, you try to believe people and not always think the worst, but what’s shown…the worst. Then we’re left stereotyping, or not trusting, which can lead to problems.
I’ve been a bad judge of character, but, I can sometimes look right through the bullshit. Eyes are an obstacle, I can’t always get through. They say you can see someone is lying through their eyes, but a compulsive liar will look you in your eyes and make you believe their lies as much as they do.
Women carry themselves a certain way, and they’re looked at for their appearance. Once you talk to some-eye opener, not what you thought. Some dress conservative, and you think, “ok, damn I wonder what kind of car she drives”?, and you look, its a wrecked Ford Taurus, where you’re thinking it would have been a Lexus. Or maybe its the other way around, she’s looking trashy, and she’s rolling in an Escalade on 28’s. And then there’s the men…oh I love this, he passes you by at the store smelling so good, looking nice, appears to have it together and you think, (damn, maybe he’s the one, good job, dresses nice, fine, and he has no ring on his finger), but, yes but he’s got a woman he’s shacking with, and has kids, his job isn’t the greatest, and will still give you some play because he lured you in by his appearance and in the end, that’s all he’s really got. And then there’s the guy we think has nothing, jeans, white T-Shirt crisp on the sleeves, like he just ironed it, long thick gold chain, with a few golds in his mouth, in the back of your mind, street pharmacist…not the type of guy you’d want around for fear of having to bond him out at some point. When in fact his appearance says that, however, he writes poetry, use sweet and he has his own business and started from nothing and building it from the ground up, and his appearance let’s you know he hasn’t forgotten where he came from, but he had dreams and followed through with them. Has no woman in his life, because he’s focused on his dream.
My job requires me to deal with people everyday and sometimes, well most of the time, I try not to stereotype them, however it is so hard due to their appearance. In everyday life people have their own style, and some wish they were what they appeared to be or not how they appeared to be.
In love, appearance says a lot too. You can be with someone and appear to be so happily in love, but you’re miserable and want out, but can’t, don’t know how, don’t want to hurt anyone so instead you hurt and stay in this, what appears to be happy relationship.
In my life I’ve shown sides that I’m not. I’ve appeared to be happy and stress free when I was lost and confused, hurt, felt unloved, but still held onto a facade of happiness.
Anyway, just felt the need to write about something and appearance was brought to my attention this morning.
Have a good day, and thanks for reading =)
A letter to Love
Love, on you, I’ve given up
I tried to know you
Tried to feel you
I failed.
Love, I wish I never met you
The way you make people feel
its not fair
although you are worth experiencing
Love, what have I done to you
why do you treat me like you do
are you worth my tears
many tears I’ve cried for you
Love, I understand why people shy away
why people run and hide
the way you make people feel,
may not be worth the ride
Love, I’ve loved how I wanted to be loved
but something about you
I don’t do enough of
so with you, I’m giving up…
Sometimes I wonder…
Do you know what it takes to keep me
the fights, the cries, thru hidden realities
…sometimes I wonder…
Do you think about me, how I do you
adapted thoughts, and no clue
…sometimes I wonder…
Is there more of you I don’t know
you’re quiet, silent, your thoughts don’t show
…sometimes I wonder…
Is this love strong enough to last
will we explain us as a past
…sometimes I wonder…
Does your heart belong to me
if so, its hard to see
…sometimes I wonder…
Am I woman enough for you
will you ever look for something new
…sometimes I wonder…
If I should be doing more
life with you is all I want to explore
…sometimes I wonder…
What would you do if you lost me
would our love carry you through tragedy
…sometimes I wonder…
Why do I feel so alone
I was promised love would be shown
…sometimes I wonder…
Are you the man God had for me
are we to walk together in Christianity
…sometimes I wonder…
#21
The greener the grass
The shadier the trees seem
I like sunburnt grass.
#19
A lot could be said
feelings are hurt, eyes water
Nobodys perfect
asmythoughtschange 